“A primitive part of my brain liked what it saw, and, with the vision dancing in my eyes, I headed off to order the gray reality”
I live in a high-rise in the west end of
Ottawa and I go to school and work, Monday to Friday. A Year ago I lived by myself in an old apartment in downtown
Montreal, as an artist… or creator or whatever. Sometimes I wish my perspective on life was simpler, that making a living was a goal rather than a conformed mind-set of society. Yes, making a living is important; somehow making a life has always been more important to me. School and work. I wish I could enjoy this. Really. Because then things wouldn’t suck so much living in a high-rise in the west end of
Ottawa. Maybe I wouldn’t end up dating people who like to have “serious” conversations frequently about what “this” relationship is, rather just love and laugh…. Share or teach or show a passion, that isn’t (again) talking. What happened to the apartments with character and oldness and broken cupboards? Why do I like this? It takes me an hour to get to school every morning. I miss hardwood floors. I sometimes think that if I could just push myself through it, and do the whole Monday-Friday work thing, then I’ll find that stableness I’ve always craved. Yet, being so free-spirited, I desire experience and passion and creating which has become so depleted in my life since moving to
Ottawa. It makes me sad some days that I don’t have the choice to find some random medium to take things out on. Except for music. This also sucks because my guitar strings are too hard. The point really is, as much as I love adventure in my life, and being impulsive, I wish I could just be simpler or want things…like really WANT things this simple occurring in my life, and be just happy with that.….. Like really. Okay, maybe “simple isn’t the word. BORING. If only I could just be content with this boring day-to-day life I live. I guess it’s enough right now. I guess you do what you need to do. It’s a stupid battle of happiness. I miss being scared of things. I recently started playing soft ball. For anyone that doesn’t know what this is before I did, it’s NOT a soft ball. You know why I’m playing soft ball? Because it scares me and I suck and I’m determined to be good. Because courage is being afraid of something and doing it anyways. And there’s not that many things happening right now that scare me. Except that I fall into another horrible relationship. Actually I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m totally one of those people that will start reading 4 books, start writing 3 songs, smokes when she’s stressed, or drink at 2 in the afternoon on a Saturday, doesn’t do the dishes often, drinks way too much coffee, will start choreographing dance pieces in the kitchen, has a painting that was started 5 months ago but little bits are being added. Or it just sits there waiting to be worked on and finished one day. That has 12 hour days yet joins a softball team because she’s bored. Or just thinks too much. Like too much. I can’t even imagine who I’ll be 5 years from now. Maybe I’ll turn into another version of Gandhi. That’s one of the books I’ve been working on since last thanksgiving. Ugh and it just makes me seem that much more sensitive. Which I think is one of the pros and cons of being an artist. That’s another little rant in its self. Anyway, I just found a mosquito bite and its driving me nuts. I’m going to go scratch it now.
Melissa L
